Married and after

“I can’t take it anymore. Planning for separation.”
“Yes, if it is becoming impossible, then you should separate.”“You think so ?”
“Yes”
“Thank you, I am feeling relieved”“It’s your life, you can’t allow others to create stress and kill you”

“Ya, Exactly. What do I have to do ?“

“Send a lawyers notice for divorce.”

“When did you get married ?”

“It’s 10 years, now. 2008.”
“Did you find your spouse or did your parents find for you ?”

“Well, we met, liked each other and told our parents.”
“What did you like in your partner?”

“The smile, the hair, common interests”

“What did the spouse find good in you ?”

“My dress sense, songs, movies, interest in kids, pets”
“Likes and dislikes”
“One liked, Reading, cricket, the other disliked, one liked shopping, travel, the other preferred home.”
The couple have two children, an 8 year boy and girl, 5.

“Won’t it affect the children, your separation?”

“No because, they will be free from living in the midst of fights.”

“What about love? “

“Oh. We will share the Kids if I don’t get both of them.”

“How easy is the upbringing going to be?”

“Well, I have not thought of that. It’s their fate.”

“Since when have you started hating each other?”
“When the second kid was six months old.”

No more questions, in case of a divorce you cannot imagine how many lives are going to be affected. Both of you should sit together and open up your minds and tell each other your likes and dislikes of each other and go ahead without treading on each other’s toes. You should feel more responsible and dutybound.

Be a good friend to your spouse. Work at your marriage instead of taking it for granted.

If you have to consult a marriage counsellor, do so, before you take the plunge.

These days many couples are going through similar situations. The solutions are not generic because every individual is unique.

In many cases, the romance of courting days are on the downslide after the honeymoon.

Both parties get into arguments. One of them says sorry, the other will not close it, they will keep on, what sorry, you know what happens blah blah… last year at Sundar’ s place, you…

The other person is exhausting the anger stored, inside. Some minor irritation in the morning, may be a knock on a chair, who kept this chair here, seething inside fuels into anger.

This anger mood influences the consequences of your subsequent actions. In relationships, what you say may be right, however, how you say it, makes the difference. The tone may be of anger, disgust, frustration, egoistic, negative and gets a response in the same frequency, ending in arguments and conflicts.

An argument leads to WHO is right and to know WHAT is right, you need a discussion. There will be lot of “I told you, you are always like that, why don’t you change, cant trust you to do anything right and on and on”.

Difference of opinions, arguments and fights are a must in a married life, it’s the maturity level that decides the out come

An egg hardens in a boiling water, carrot softens and coffee powder changes the colour. Different people responds differently Your reactions create a negative environment which affects everybody caught in the flux.

Good to have a mood checking alarm every hour in your mobile. What’s the mood ? Want to change it to a better one, happy one ? Bring your thoughts into what you are doing, stop multitasking, change your priorities. It’s all in your thoughts. Think of your loved one, listen to a mood changing music or read or dance. Some people enjoy suffering, this is not for them. They stress if they do not have a problem.
We have situations to deal with in life, which others calls as problem. When you call it a situation it is easier to deal with it because in a problem, the solution is blurred by emotions and prejudices.

When asked, whether your husband makes you happy, the lady replied, “no”.

“why ?”

“It is not his business and he does not have to ‘I believe in being happy, no body needs to make me happy and you should not expect happiness from outside, it is an internal matter”

Happy couples respect each other and have a general positive view of each other. They continue to be fond of each other by admiring the positive elements of each other rather than fighting over their shortcomings.

Turn toward each other instead of away and have open communication ( In case you are having an affair, I do not know how you should communicate)

Make decisions together on common topics (otherwise, let the lady decide about household matters and the husband on international matters like should there be a wall along Mexican border?)

The older generation will advise you about ideal marriages, since today divorces are happening at the drop of a hat. Change in the environment, gender bias is on the decrease, influence of education, women empowerment, economic independence gives the confidence to drop the guy from the partnership

Older generation, the male dominance and the female dependency, covered the status of the marriage, happy or unhappy, hang on.

Both partners have strong and weak points in them. Accept that, respect that.

Some of your shortcomings may be the strength of the other. There are things which one cannot do, the other can. Look for completeness, not competition in a relationship. Two of you should make it one.

The physical romance gets over in no time, the real romance can be found in performing the duties and responsibilities and the little things together. Accept each other’s failure whenever it happens. Don’t scream. If the behaviour angers, take a break, do some deep breathing, come back and discuss the issue.

Don’t look for all the virtues in a single person. Do you know why Draupadi had five husbands ? She was promised all the virtues which was not found in one person, hence five of them. Don’t make her your role model and go hunting

One of the beauty of life is, it is in your hands to give meaning to every situation.

An event is just nothing, it is your reaction that makes it something. Some one drops coffee on your shirt. The reaction can be from murder to laughter. Give a pleasant meaning to every situation. If you break your leg get into a plaster and put your feet up and asked the visitors to sign on it. Find enjoyment in every misery.

Remember nothing has meaning, you give your own and make a life.

Once, walking up the steps on to the stage to speak, my shoe opened its mouth and had a guffaw expression, I showed it to the people, moved aside, took it off and spoke with my socks on. Everybody enjoyed the event and my talk. If I had reacted any other way specially tried to hide it, the evening could have been a disaster.

Sit together with a paper and pen, list down all your fights and the reactions.

It may have been physical or close to it, anger, tears, frustrations, thoughts (of even murder), note it down. Another column, what could have been the alternate reaction..

Tick from the list below the keywords creating issues in your marriage and

Abuse

Aptitudes

Attitudes

Belief

Career

Companionship

Debts

Dowry

Drinks, drugs

Education

Emptiness

Energy levels

Expectations

Finance

Health

Ifs and buts

Inequality

Infertility

Infidelity

In-laws,

Interests variations

Maturity

Nonacceptance

Pace

Patience

Relationships

Religion

Sensitivity

Sex

Temper

Tolerance

Upbringing

Value

Work pressure

& many more

Many couples feel an emptiness. Romance, money, words, love are sometimes not enough, because what’s missing in many marriages today goes deeper.

Companionship is the most important element in a marriage, it’s value keep increasing as you grow old, nurture your relationship, it prevents emptiness and energises your life

 

Published by:

rajmenon

Grateful for the love and respect received so far. Inspire, motivate and enable anybody to achieve their limitless limits-that is my goal for the rest of my life. Worked in MECON, Mphasis, Cofounder KelpHR, kelphr.com

Categories Uncategorized14 Comments

14 thoughts on “Married and after”

  1. Fantastic blog article. You will make an excellent marriage counselor and probably already are discharging that role though not in a professional capacity. Your article should be read by every couple whether they are already into a mutual stress zone or not. Better to be forewarned about the potential abyss ahead that one may land into.

    I do not know how wide readership of your blog is. Independent of that you should publish this on FB itself. May be it will get more traction there and reach not only your direct FB friends but also their own networks.

    Your wit on Mexican wall lightened up otherwise serious text. I did not know your reason behind Draupadi opting to have 5 husbands. There are other nuggets too in your article.

    All I can say is that keep them coming. They are delightful reading in themselves.

  2. Very positive view very well explained.
    Like any successful movie, villain was essential, opposites must be present. Similarly, in any close relation, symtems of closeness are-presence of extremes, presence of transparent anger, fights followed by further strong bond. A word of caution, everything should remain within elastic limits. Once you share problems of your close relation with 3rd person’s you may go beyond elastic limits.
    Spiritually speaking, a partner finds no one else as close to vent inside pressures of anguish and alike with the other half as much as LOVE is shared between them. So, we tend to make an issue out of a non issue just out of ignorance (lack of complete knowledge of relationship, its common with almost all of us).
    The key to a healthy relation is – to give even without expectation of return from partner. Believe me response will come one day. Even if it doesn’t, one wud learn the happiness in giving is manifold than in receiving. One wud get absolute happiness in any case as the return comes from Almighty soul within. Only selfless love in a relation is without turbulence. So the solution lies in facing the challenge of marriage relation and not in being coward to break it or continue in unhappy relationship.

  3. Excellent article. This is very apt for younger generation couple, as we see changing trends in the thinking and lack of mutual understanding. Learning to put-up with difficult situations and increasing the level of tolerance to make relationship work.

    One of the biggest blunder committed in relationships is when a dispute arises, working to prove someone wrong and focusing to make the other person admit it. If only they focus on addressing the dispute, instead!

    Thank-you for the advice, hope it helps many needy couples.

  4. As long as there is mutual understanding, appreciation and sharing, partners get on well. But if one person is superior and the other person refuses to accept the same or mis interprets it, ego problem arises. So they should try to talk it out in the absence of others. Economic independence of women is not the major issue. How it is interpreted by others leads to jealousy in the spouse. We can only suggest. It is a matter of mind set

  5. Well I take many more of articles you narrated above. Keep up the steam. It will undoubtly help to come out of the hell they are in. welknown subject. wel known solutions as well. but you have sung so well. thanks raj

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