Dear daughters


I do not want to get married, have decided to stay single. I will marry but first I want to put my career in a proper path. I want to enjoy a few years of free life before I get stuck with some one. These girls are stupid, I am ready to get married right now and its not happening.

These were a few natural responses I got from four pretty young  girls travelling along with me in the train to Cochin, when we were discussing ” Is there a  right age for  marriage in India”.
You are right, I hope all of you stick to your decisions. I know a few, who were always in an argument with their parents about marriage. Parents are under pressure to get the daughters married at the earliest. Once a girl starts working, relatives, friends and the neighbor have one question for the parents,about the marriage of their daughter. You can tell them any reason you want, they will come up with the same question, the next time they meet you. Anything? Why not ? It is the same for their sons, also. But let us stick to the daughters , here. Parents may be taking the sides of their daughters in order go along with her wishes but if the marriage can be conducted at the appropriate time (what is  appropriate time) they can fulfill their responsibilities and plan for their retirement.
Many, decides to stay single in their youths, but as they enter mid age, thoughts, belief system and environment changes, a loneliness creeps in since all their friends are married and have their own priorities and even their best friend has a list and you may have moved to the bottom of the list. We are natures children and nature has its laws and designs. Humans have been designed to survive as a couple, to sustain mankind and  their tribe. If you do not want to marry, then you should have a long term mission in life,
a mother teresa type or an equivalent with a strong social objective.If there is no trace of any mission at the young age when you decide to be single, then you are heading for an out of tune life. Not that, every married life is successful but they fall into a category of exceptions. And a few hit the right chord may be after two or three attempts.It is advisable not  to defy nature.
A lady who was listening to our conversation barged in. Waiting to reach a settled position in career or live a freaking out freedom for a few years before getting stuck with someone is fair enough. But what is ‘enough’, how long. Time has an important role to play. 26 is a threshold age. Initially finance may be a constraint(though manageable in most cases) but the energy level is high to get married and have a family may be 2 years after.Generally, the more you delay, chances of increased  discomfort due to biological and energy reasons. Another advantage, which is very far fetched, is that your children will be settled while you are still working. 
A lot of activities should be parallel, not happen sequentially. We should be working towards our career, financial, health, family goals at the same time.Please do not put one behind the other.
Later the topic changed to property matters and its division among children.Before they could voice their opinion I took over the centre stage and spoke at a stretch leaving them dumbstruck. 
I have two daughters, both are engineers, working, earning and married. They wanted to bear their marriage expenses. Well, being a father, I could not allow that though they shared a part of it for a feel good experience. However, I am expecting them to make their  life, create wealth of their own. Neither my sister nor I, used my father’s earnings to make a living or for wealth creation.My parents looked after us until we started earning. My children will not be getting any of my earnings, they are capable of having their own. My wonderful son in laws belongs to the same school of thought. Best wishes to them.I plan to give away my savings (left, if any)  for some good cause.after my tenure on this earth

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Grateful for the love and respect received so far. Inspire, motivate and enable anybody to achieve their limitless limits-that is my goal for the rest of my life. Worked in MECON, Mphasis, Cofounder KelpHR,

Categories Uncategorized5 Comments

5 thoughts on “Dear daughters”

  1. Getting married or not is a personal choice which has to be respected. One can get married when one feels like and not when others feel like. If one’s daughters want to bear their own marriage expenses they should be allowed to do so. How would you have reacted if your had a son who would have said that he wanted to bear his own marriage expenses? I am sure you would not have minded that all though you are the father!
    This reminds of an ad of LIC (if I am not wrong)- it says save money to meet the expenses of your daughter’s marriage and your son’s education! Why not the other way round? Same type of slogan I see in Kannada says – arathige obba magalu, kiruthige obba maga(which means a daughter to perform worship and a son to make you famous). Why not the other way round? Cant a daughter make the parents famous?
    I think each generation should be allowed to take their own decisions on how to live their lives because they are going to be around for a long time after we are gone. Since I do not have any children I have already started and registered a trust called as Aid without Religion Trust to which all my property shall go after my death and it shall be used only for helping people for causes without any religion or superstitions involved.

    1. Good to hear from you Narendra Ji .You are right about marriage and its timing is a personal choice. That was the response of the four girls in the discussion, all their own. My daughters marriage was their own choice,and timing. Elder one got married at the age of 30 and the younger at 29,Late as per our social pressure. They had all the freedom and the education they wanted. The wedding expense (shared by them) was my gift. It would not have made any difference if it was a son. My daughters have made me proud. I have not received a more precious gifts in my life.

      Many of them at that young age are not firm in their decision. They end up regretting later. Once marriage is a plan in your life better to time it like your graduation and job.

      1. Your question to thyself ‘what is the marriageable age?’ is a confusing question. In our older times, the girls were having a set rule and there was an age after which time the parents are expected to get worried if things does not go well[that is they do not get them married] Now this rule changes from one person to the other. No parent need to worry also about their daughters and in fact it is not advisable to hurry them in their anxiety. They are independant persons having a life of their own. In the older generation, the wife’s life depended on their husband’s even if the income was supplemented here and there. Now it is different and it is better they choose their life.
        Your thoughts about using your savings for some philanthropic purposes is commendable. If many people thought the same way, i think there will be less or even no corruption in this country. This evil of hoarding for the next five generations may disappear. That is only a dream of mine

      2. If they are finding their own partners there is no issue. When the parents have to find a groom or bride, age plays a crucial role. It is not the right thing to happen, but it happens. Delay in marriage also delays set up of family. Also for biological reason it is advised to consider the age for marriage. None of these are rules

  2. Loved the article Menon especially the part that says you get out of tune if you dont have a mission in life when you are not married….. I say this to my daughter as well… you said it is the turning of the society so far that has put pressure to both men and women…. to men that they have to be the sole breadwinner and women that they have to be satisfied savitri types….

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